Unconditional

I believe in the word unconditional.

That when the word “unconditional” is used in a phrase or sentence, it’s meant to be there.

When a new life comes into this crazy, chaotic planet, it can't always be promised unconditional love.

I believe that when God is sending souls down here, he knows that only some will get the gift of unconditional love and he also worries for the ones who won't.

Unconditional love is a hard target to hit, which is why many avoid aiming for the center of the target. There are so called "conditions" that hold them back from shooting for the center aka unconditional love.

What if my daughter wants to marry another woman? What if my son goes to jail for stealing? What if my children become addicted to drugs?

Do I still love them?

Its conditions similar to these that separate the moms who shoot for the center from the ones who shoot for the outsides, what seems to be the easier aim.

On August 12th 1998, she didn't sign a waiver saying she was ready for the challenge nor she did she place her hand upon a bible to vow. But when she looked into the eyes of the newborn eyes of a stranger, she made a promise she intended to keep.

When she puked all over her brand new shirt, she promised she would still love her. She promised to love her even when she left a disaster in the kitchen. After she realized how late she would be to work, she still signed “I love you" to her through the car window as her daughter walked into school. When she went to spend more time with her boyfriend, she never forgot that her mom loved her more than he did.

And when she thought her life couldn't get any worse, she remembered her mommy would still love her.

When God decided to send me down to earth, he wasn't worried. He knew that she would shoot straight for the target, he knew that she would hit it with perfection. When he watched me take my first breath, he smiled. For he knew she had the potential to give me the one of the brightest futures that no mother was capable of doing.

And when that little baby looked into her new mother's eyes, who seemed like just stranger to her, she made a promise too.

I love you Mommy!

UNCONDITIONALLY

PS.....Happy 43rd Birthday.

hap·py ˈhapē/

My name is Jerra Jo Fowers, and I am happy.

I am happy not just because my ship has sailed through a perfect journey, but an unforgettable one.

I hit storms every week. My ship has been tossed and turned into directions far away from home. My sails were tore into when the wind came in strong. I felt so lost in the middle of the ocean that I thought I would  never would find my way home. I have come to except the fact that my "happy" ride alone came with it's difficulties.

That with every storm, I got the opportunity to dance in the rain. That if my sails were never torn, I never would have learned to fix them. When I was far from home, in the middle of the ocean, I smiled. I smiled because I realized how grateful I am for my family miles away. I may not have gotten to "paradise island" nor did I break the world record for distance traveled alone. But I found the X on the map. I found happiness along the way.

The treasure that's casted away on another island isn't that 1st place medal or that pot of gold, it's happiness. Life's beauty isn't through the amount of records beaten, the amount of medals earned, or that girl you beat last week, but the happiness  found along the way.  For your successes are useless if you didn't enjoy the journey to them.

I learned that happiness and achievement don't always ride hand in hand.
I'm not the fastest runner in the state, but I am happy waking up every day to go to practice. I'm nowhere near becoming valedictorian, but I love going to school.

Passion is like your map, it guides to your happiness. I have learned that you will never find happiness on your ship if you don't have a passion to drive you. If your not doing what makes you happy, your only turning your ship in circles.

Happiness is the chest filled with gold, the highest of the high, the best of the best. Happiness is that little girl with the smile, that has the power to change the world.

My Name is Jerra Jo Fowers, and I am HAPPY.

Different Dresses

From the time we were small kids, we were taught never to judge. When we giggled at the oddly dressed woman at the grocery store, our mothers scolded us. In church, we are told to "love one another as Jesus loves you". We were talk to walk like God, and to become more like him. The point that I am trying to get across is that our whole lives we have been taught how much it can hurt someone by judging them.

Over the past couple of months I have been learning a lesson that most adults are too selfish to figure out. That just because someone does something differently than you do, doesn't mean that it's wrong. There are too many people in this world who are trying so hard to live the perfect life, and they feel that judging others puts them on a platform higher then their victims.

I am here to tell you right now that since the day I was two years old, I was into boys. I had grown up in my own little world where there was Barbie and Ken and that they always lived happily ever after. When I was eight years old I told my mom I had a crush on a kid named Cort Brown, and told her everyday how cute he was.

I grew up in a place where I witnessed many families with two mommies and some with two daddies. Through a young child's eyes I never looked at these so called "different" families any different.

Today I ran go-karts for a two men couple and their little boy. I had been having a really rough day, I had a rude group of boys come in and treat me like I was garbage, no apologies or even a thanks. I let this couple and their son in the gate, they walked to their karts, got their seat belts on and I was walking around switching the karts. This little boy of their's (around 7 years old) looks me right in the eyes and says "thank you for your help m'am". No I didn't fix his seat belt or help him hop into the kart, I hadn't pulled him out of a corner like I did a billion times for the other boys. His dads didn't tell him too, because they were in two different karts. I know that this is a hard lesson for any parents to teach their kids to remember to say please and thank you (I still forget too at times), but the way this kid looked at me and said it was like it was second nature to him. I am a firm believer that parenting can be done to perfection even with two moms or two dads and I witnessed it today. The most polite family I have ever had at work, is one of the most judged type of family in America currently.

 Since I was a small kid my mom had drilled into my brain "I don't care what you become, just want you to be happy". Everyday my dad told me, "hey, smile, have a good day". I never looked at these people any differently because they were happy, and my mom always told me that it doesn't matter what you do with your life as long as your happy.

If you went around the world and asked every person what happiness was, you would get a variety of different answers. This is correct because happiness comes in a variety of different meanings to different people. There are a variety of different dresses to choose from. Whether you fall in love when you look into the eyes of your same gender, or a different.

Who are you to judge someone else's happiness? To say that it doesn't follow your religion, or that you don't support it is like saying "Hey I don't like that dress because I wouldn't wear it."

We ALL wear different dresses and your idea of beautiful dress might not be the same as others.

Speaking of dresses....This was my Prom dress two years ago! One of my favorite formal dresses.

The Train

Sweaty palms grasp the crinkled train ticket, quick glances at where the next stop will be keep you planted in your seat. When you press your face against the cold window, you realize the time that passes before you. At every stop, the engineer blows the train's horn before leaving the station. Shooting out of the station so quick that it catches you off guard, throwing you forward very quickly at times. 

As the train continues on it's path, new people board the train with each stop. A few choose to isolate themselves from the other passengers, by sitting alone on an empty seat. Then the extroverts board the train, finding someone new to sit by each time they board, they sit in groups, conversing their life stories among one another. During the train ride, we gain close friends, and realize the passengers we don't exactly like. Some feel that is safer to sit closer to the engineer for they feel closer to safety. Some feel that the back of the train is safer because it is a quicker way out.

The little girl who sat beside you whispers in her mother's ear "Mommy? Who drives the train?" she replies "The railroad engineer, but he is busy driving the train, so we don't see him until we get off." 

None of the passengers know the engineer, they haven't seen his face, but they all carry this picture in their mind of what he looks like as if he is actually there. He sends out warning signs of what's to come, whether we like them or not. Some people believe that there is more than one engineer, some believe there is no engineer, as if the train drives itself.

But there's a catch to the story.

We never see the engineer until we board or depart the train. We only see him for a moment or so, but it's enough to realize his importance, we idolize him. For without our engineer, there would be nobody to drive the train.

That's the thing about railroad engineers. We put so much trust into someone we don't even know, yet we feel safe boarding the train. When we go over a bridge or through a tunnel, the engineer isn't there to tell you that everything is running smoothly. We feel that safety within us. Whether we get off the train too early or we miss a few spots, the engineer ensures we will get off the train safely. He doesn't throw anybody off the train and leave them stranded, he lets everyone get where they need to be. He lets EVERYONE get off at the train station regardless of his relationship with them. He lets them get off even if they have done a crime, for he knows they will be forgiven.

For all of those people out there who believe that only the "privledged" passengers will get off at the train station, or the people who believe that they only they will get off  if they sit close to the engineer. You are wrong. 

Because the engineer gives everyone a ride on his train, whether you are black, white, bisexual, gay, LDS, catholic, or even buddhist. Everyone deserves a ride on the train to arrive at their destination.

Reminders

It was around 11:00 at night, I was absolutely exhausted and I was driving home from work, nearing my house. I was so tired, I thought that I needed to call someone to come get me because I didn't know how safe I would drive. I suddenly had the "urge" to change the song (which seemed crazy because I was only about 30 seconds away from home). The song changed to "The Rose", grandpa's song. Within an instant, I was alert, I wasn't tired anymore. I know that he was right there because I felt him, he was sitting right next to me, he knew I needed to make it home. I teared up, and in that little bit of time I talked to him. I told him that I loved him and that I would make it home safe. I know that he heard me, don't ask me why. He visited me for that little moment that night.

I sat at the 10th exchange for Ragnar, as my stomach continued to churn, I was exhausted, extremly sick, and on the verge of tears. My mom kept repeating, "Your going to be fine, you'll do fine." But I knew I wasn't fine. I watched in the background and I see my teammate rounding the corner, and then I knew it wasn't long until I had to go.

Before I had another second to breathe, on the girls speaker behind me, Ryker's song started to play. In a moment's time flashbacks of the accident, the drive home, and his funeral played so vivid it seemed as if he was right there beside me. My body fell numb, and it was like that moment froze time. I held back the tears, my throat felt tight, and I grabbed the bracelet from his hand, and took off running.

During this run, I never fell sick again. Somehow I was in constant reminder to finish this for Ryker.

I believe that God sends us "reminders" that we are not alone in this world. I know that some people believe that there is no such thing as spirits or ghosts, but I believe they are always there whether we feel them or not. I have had a rough eventful week, but these reminders helped me overcome this. I know that sometimes our prayers aren't always answered, but they are always recieved.

"The trouble that might drag you down, 

you get lost you can always be found, 

just know your not alone,

cause I'm going to make this place your home." 

-- Phillip Phillips

My Man

I know you don't want to hear another mushy gushy love story yet again, and especially from me. I know that I tend to show my affection for this boy way more than I should. But I have so much to be thankful for. Little does he know how much he means to me. I just got my wisdom teeth out yesterday, and he has been by my side as much as he could, and even switched me shifts tomorrow!

I sit here and wonder how I got lucky enough to deserve someone like him. I drive him up a wall quite often, yet he spoils me rotten. I like to think that our relationship is quite different than every normal high school relationship, because he is my best friend. It's hard to comprehend falling in love with your best friend.

We were best friends way before I fell in love with him.

I didn't need a hug or a kiss today from him to feel like he loved me. I have learned that it is the simple little things that mean the most. He showed up at my front door this morning with a peanut butter shake and a Sobe (he knows me too well these days), walked right in my door, and sat down next to me. That alone was enough to make me just fall in love with him over again and automatically took the pain away.

I have actually had MANY girls ask me how I have kept our relationship so long and I ask them right back well depends on how you look at the person. If you only look at him like he's your boyfriend, then you will just have a boyfriend. You see Kaden is more than just a boyfriend, he is my best friend, my mentor, my personal trainer, my psychologist, my co-worker, he's even considered apart of my family.

Happiness is not found within kissing, hugging, hand holding, cuddling, and making out. Kaden taught me that these components don't make our world go round and round. If you are constantly relying on your "lover" to do these things with you to make you happy, happiness will be short lived. I believe this is a very good reason for the America's high divorce rate.

I have a life long best friend. Yes, I would love to marry Kaden someday, but that day is very far away and I am only 16 years old. Whether I decide to spend the rest of my life with him or not, he will ALWAYS be my best friend. He made me realize how to find happiness in the small moments. Finding seashells on Bonneville shoreline during valentines day, eating Little Ceasars in the passenger seat of his Camry, eating shakes and cracking jokes on my living room couch, watching him love the heck out of two little boys.

I feel sorry for the girlfriends and boyfriends who lay in the bedrooms making out all weekend, cause man, are they missing out. I don't want to marry Kaden because of how great of a kisser he is. Like have you seen him run?

Kaden is my best friend on this planet, and it doesn't matter what mood I am in, he will always make me smile. I never get sick of being around my best friend. Every day is an adventure, he gives me a new reason to smile, whether its a shake in his hand or the way he lets me run in front of him on trails. KADEN JOHN WINTER IS MY HAPPINESS.

And I can not wait to see what our future has in store.

Letting go.....

Holding on seems harder than letting go.

Holding to what you want to stay, yet you know will go. You have to face the inevitable, that your going to have to let go. I know that people are going to come in and out of my life, and there will be a point in my life when holding on won't become an option.

You also have to look at the variables that make holding on difficult, knowing her my whole life, having him there for me all school year long, running with them everyday. The bonds that you carry with certain individuals keep you wanting to never let go.

I believe when your about ready to say goodbye, memories come flooding back, making it harder to loosen your grip. They hit you like a passing car, it's collision causes you to face reality. No one comes out of a car accident in one piece, whether you broke your neck, or you have a small scratch. I feel as if the reason we are scared to say goodbye is because we don't know the speed of the car, the size of the car, or the person inside.

We don't realize how hard it's going to hit us until we let go. 

Our grips are so tight our knuckles turn white, but all this time we don't realize how hard we are holding on. You begin to rely on what you've been holding this whole time. Reliance becomes so strong between two individuals, that you can't imagine your life without one another. We don't realize how much we really care about someone or something until it's gone. After letting go, we can't look down the road and predict how or when the car is going to hurt us.

To say that watching my two best friends walk across that stage with caps and gowns was easy, I would be lying to you. I know it's going to be a challenge without them. I have accepted that I am going to struggle, I am going to get hit hard, and I know I will get hard more than once. But I know that with every collision, I will stand up and dust myself off with a new perspective, a reason to keep moving on.

Letting go of anyone is never easy. Whether it's watching your dad's spirit leave his body, or dropping your son off at the MTC never to see him again for two years. The pain that comes along with loss is inevitable, and it is given in different measures. Pain can have an immediate effect after letting go, or it can come very unexpected. It's how we deal with this pain that determines our well-being.

I know for a fact that letting go of someone you love is hard, and we know it's going to hurt at times. But the strong will to get back up, and look forward promises happiness soon.

I am so proud of my sissy, can't believe we won't go to school together. But happy she will be attending Weberstate, therefore she is not too far away. :)

My other purpose for this post was for my mom and grandpa, I know she is still struggling. Why not reminisce on some good times at Grandma Nessa's house?

 Kaden also graduated, and I am not sure how I feel about it. I am excited that he is growing up a little bit and moving on, yet he will be an hour away and I will miss him dearly.

This last one goes out to my "other" older sisters. Four years with them definitely was an adventure. I will never forget the lessons I learned from them. I am going to continue the legacy they taught me, and hopefully pass it on to the next year as good as they did.