Years pass, and I hit a wall, a wall of people. People that lied to me, hurt me, and then left me in the dark. I felt the need to speak up about how hurt I was. That maybe if I told everyone how much I was hurt that it would solve the problem.
But I didn't. I had to be the better person. I wasn't going to make their lives worse because my own was hard.
So I held it in. Like my parents had taught me too my entire life.
It was rough. I am sure most people have had to experience it in their lifetime to an extent. Having to be positive towards someone that hurt you. It was hard, but I did it and I am proud of myself. Through the hard times, I fought my battles on my own.
But the longer I held it in, the worse I felt when their name popped up.
(warning: here comes the selfishness)
I don't see them much anymore, but I felt as if they were being put on a pedestal. Everyone would tell me how much they loved them, all of the people that never had to experience what I did. I wanted to respond by saying "are you sure?". Now don't get me wrong, they were good to me for many years, but I am still hurt. There's only so many bridges you can burn before there's no place to cross anymore, and I have reached that point with them.
I was on a drive with my mom and I brought it up to her.
"Mom, how can someone who hurt me so bad walk away like it was nothing?"
"Mom, I was the one that was hurt, and all that anyone cares about is them"
It all came flooding out with some tears and I felt as if I am being selfish. I don't wish hardship on anyone. But for once, I wanted people to see the truth.
My mom is a remarkable woman. She always seems to have the greatest answers to life's most pressing questions.
Katie has this quote she made hanging in our house that reads:
"The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."
I never really took the meaning from it until my mom mentioned it.
"What you are seeing is but a sliver of their lives, their highlight reel. Anyone can have a good highlight reel, but what about the rest of the movie?"
It hit me then and there that I was being ridiculous.
The conversation changed the subject right after. But my thoughts kept rolling.
What would my highlight reel look like? What would be on it?
It was overwhelmingly full. Full of good times and bad ones, and everything in between.
Maybe my highlight reel was longer than 3 minutes, maybe it was 20 years.
I realized that I needed to push these thoughts behind me, and soak up what was right in front of me.
Forget about their highlight reel, because my entire movie is breathtaking. They may have a short highlight film, but I have an entire movie.
Today I set a goal for myself.
From now on, I will make everyday good enough to be part of my highlight reel.
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