Inadequate

This blog I feel like is a place where I can embrace my struggles. I'm far from perfect, in fact, I am probably closer to imperfect that perfect.

I feel inadequate, every where I go.

I don't feel like I am good enough to have the job I do. To receive the score I do on a paper. Have the amazing parents I do. Even date the guy I think is cute.

Not feeling good enough, is as real as it gets.

I'm not a 4.0 college student, although I wish I was. My parents have been helping me get through school, and I feel like I owe it to them. They deserve to sponsor a child that gets better grades than I do.

While I'm at work, I screw up a lot. I put down the wrong dates on designs, I forget to do tasks every once in a while. I work with such amazing people, and I feel like they deserve better.

I hate talking to guys I'm not good enough for. It's like preparing yourself for what's destined to happen. That one day, they will realize who I really am, and that will be the end of it all.

I try not to fall for the good things in life, to get my hopes up. Because 9 times out of 10, I'll get let down.

One day these guys will realize that I am horrible at dressing up. That I hate doing my hair, wearing make-up, and Nike's are my favorite accessory. They'll realize that I cry.....a lot. I'm cranky in the morning, and  I'm not the best at studying. They will see that I spend more time with my family than my friends.

When I start talking with a guy I like, I just want to tell them "Are you sure you want this? I am far from ever being good enough for someone like you." I would feel as if I was cheating them for dating them.

I dated someone for three years, and I left feeling like I did something wrong. That there had to have been something I could've done better. Maybe I really wasn't good enough for him.

If I were to pick anything I fear the most in this world right now, it would be feeling completely inadequate.

For most of my blog posts, I have this call to action. I have a way that I will resolve my life's challenges. But this one has me stumped.

I'm not sure how I will get through this. But I want to document it all. I want to remember my struggles, so that I can look back on them as learning experiences.

One day, I will figure this out, and look back on this moment with a brighter ending.

Fans

Today has been a rough one.

Numerous times today, I have looked up into  to the sky in a flood of tears and asked,

"Why can't you just give me a chance."

Last night, I finally built up the courage to ask my crush out....and was (basically) rejected.
This morning I didn't pass my teaching test for the second time.
And just 10 days before my big race, I had pneumonia and a partially collapsed lung.

God.........Why?

All I have done is good in this world. I say my prayers every night, I talk to you every day. I reach out to everyone around me. I am not mean to anyone. You put me through enough

Why can't just one thing work out for me?

Why can't I feel worthy enough to date this guy?
Why can't I be smart enough to pass my test the first time?
Why can't I do good in this race?

Just once.

As I was walking around campus, in the pouring rain, I hit breaking point.

I am walking around USU with mascara streaming down my face, with posters falling out of my hands, crying to my mom over the phone.

There comes a point in your life, when your sick of everyone telling you that "It will work out". Because for so long.....it hasn't felt like it.

I feel like I'll die before I make it through this teaching program, and I worry that I'll die alone.

After talking for 20 minutes, my mom and I  began laughing together over the phone about my crappy day. Somehow daily trials can become something that you can just shake off, and laugh.

I think that God was ready show me what I do have.

Immediately after hang up with my mom, I run into Hannah (my roommate) at my work. As soon as she saw me, she ran up and gave me a huge hug, not even knowing what I had been through. She asks how my day was, hands me a bag of food and walks with me up to work.

I walk into work, and there's Justin singing along to his music, and I try my best not to laugh at him. My manager hands us both money to go down and get her a drink, and a "treat". Next thing I know, we're hardcore hysterically laughing in our office trying to fit Bugles on our fingers and Snapchat at the same time.

Having no idea of my hard day, Justin is walking out the door and he says "The right guy is going to come around and he will love you so much."

I have everything I ever need.

I have so much more to learn, so much room to grow, two more years of school, and much more maturity on its way.  But in the end, when I lay in bed at night, I don't want to fall asleep. I could do my days all over again.

Life is so dang hard, it's full of so many reasons to quit. So many reasons to call your mom crying. But when I step back, I realize that I have so many people rooting for me.

So here's to not settling with a guy just because I think he's cute. Here's to not giving up on college because it's hard. And here's to not quitting running because I have pneumonia and a broken lung.

Because each of fans lining the path to my finish line have high hopes for me to finish strong.