Arms are Open

Right now I am sitting in my bed, finishing up some homework. This song came on (in my random shuffle on Spotify), and I lost it.


Arms Open
By: The Script

I can't unfeel your pain
I can't undo what's done
I can't send back the rain
But if I could I would
My love, my arms are open

So when you feel like you can't take another round of being broken
My arms are open
And when you're losing faith and every door around you keeps on closing
My arms are open

I can't uncry your tears
I can't rewind the time
I can't unsay what's said
In your crazy life
My love, my arms are open

Oh, and when you're cursing at the sky
And thinking, "lord, you must be joking"
My arms are open
And, and when you're looking in the mirror
Thinking that, "my life is over"
My arms are open.

Lately, I have gotten on this blog to vent and to help myself recover. I've wrote about finding strength in hard times and standing up when I feel broken. I've been the weak one in the sense, because I've struggled for a little while.

But today, today I'm the strong one. 

For a long time I have wanted to take it all back. I've wanted to go back in time to change everything so that maybe my life would be easier. This was how I felt for a prolonged period of time. That maybe I would wake up and it would all be a dream. But today, I wouldn't change a thing. 

Today, I shine brighter than all of those people that tried to dull me.

Those nights of laying in a bed of tears, feeling broken, and climbing the constant uphill have molded me into someone I would have never imagined for myself. It's crazy how fast you can go from feeling that you have the world behind you, to standing on your own with no one in sight. Being lost allowed me to run into people that I will idolize for the rest of my life.

Someone asked me the other day if I would relive my high school years again.

Then I asked right back, "Would there be the slightest chance that I would forget the people that I have now?"

I've said it many times, and I'll say it again. I have it all. There are people that drifted away when I was struggling, but they were people that needed to leave. I have quickly realized that the people that make my life most beautiful are the ones that never cared how it looked in the first place.

There were people that judged me based on how I worshiped to something as superficial as the income of my parents. If they can't see the beauty within my life, why would I want to continue to share it with them?

Today I will cherish the people who love me for who I am, not who they think I should be. The ones that opened their arms out to me when I wasn't even strong enough to lift my own.

So here's to the people that held their arms open through it all:

(brace yourselves for the long mushy gushy)

God. It's self explanatory. You answer my prayers without saying a word. You have given me these people to hold close, and you hold the others even closer up there. I feel like you've been unfair to the people here, because you've given me the best set-up. One day I will hug you, embrace you, and I tell you how I made it. How I pushed through, and enjoyed every second. I'll tell you about people that entered my life that moved me. You are never overlooked.

My Mommy and Shane.  I will never be able to repay the two of you, but I hope that I can pay it forward to my kids one day. I dream of  being half the parents that you both are to me.The two of you could hold higher hopes for myself than I could at times in my life. You're both good at seeing all the positive aspects about anyone. You taught me to hold my head high in complete darkness or when you can't see what's ahead. To be happy even when you feel your world is ending. To love your life and embrace every second we get whether good or bad. Dad calls me every once in a while and sometimes before he hangs up he says "SMILE", and I can just see the smirk on the other end of the phone. Happiness in it's most raw form.

Ham Bam, Ethan, and Katie. The three of you didn't need to know that my world was crashing down to hold me together. From Ethan's singing in the passenger side of my car, Hannah handing me a fresh baked cookie, or Katie teaching me how to saw pallets. You three complete me in so many ways. You diversify me and give me examples to strive towards. The three of you make me realize that I always have a best friend in this world. I have someone to tell all my secrets too, someone to tease, and someone to teach me the ropes of life. When we are 90 and grey, I hope that we all love each other as much as we do now.

Willard. I hate you so much dog, but you make me laugh.

Grandma Nessa, Nannie, Grandpa Griz, Grandma & Grandpa Fowers. All of your lives were full of some type of trial. From losing the love of your life, to losing your son, or losing your mom at a young age. You five are living, breathing examples that life keeps rolling. We can find happiness in the hardest of times. You all picked up your pieces and made something of them. You raised the amazing people that would bring me here.

Aunt Nicki and Uncle Jess. I don't see the two of you that much, but I see you through my mom. Our whole lives she has taught us kids to love each other, "from birth to grave". She gets it from you two. You have been an example to my family of what a "forever family" looks like. I have dreams of one day being able to talk to my sisters and brother every day like the three of you do. You taught me the importance of family when hard times arise. You three are a reminder of what I will always have, family.

Brittany, Hannah, Lidia, and Katie. It's easy to feel far from home in a place like Logan (the four of you know all to well that my family is my comfort zone). You all taught me to live in the moment. To dance in the middle of the street, make crepes at midnight, have sleepovers in the front room, hold fashion shows at two in the morning, and ask out cute boys that I don't know well. You all bring out the kid in me, you make me feel brave.

Reni, Justin, Ann, Steph, and Michelle. I have had three jobs before working at the Center, but I have never felt like any of them made a difference. Everyday I'm at the center, I feel like I am paying it forward.The Center healed me, it made me look at my world differently. Not only that, but you all are family to me. You know some of the deepest details of my life, and you all give me wise advice, the kind I would ask my mom for. The five of you are a part of my Logan family.