Logan

Disappointment. It’s gone on my entire life. 

The downhill slope of things not working out....one after another.
It puts you in this hole where you feel trapped. You can’t get over feeling like a loser all the time. The feeling that in this life, you’ll never add up to anything. Days where I'd look at myself and wonder if I'd ever add up to be anything spectacular, and I'd deny it. It’s easy to see all the bad moments in your life when that’s all you are getting a taste of.

So one day, I wrote it all down.

Lined up my biggest highs and lowest lows like a cat lines up its mice after it kills them.

And somehow... they fit together.

It was like running a half marathon (I’d be the one to make this comparison). While you’re running , you realize that every uphill you run up, means that there is a downhill that same length on its way. Which makes the half marathon seem easier, because you know that after you push through an uphill, a downhill is coming. 

 I made the quick realization that this is how my life fit into this world.

God would throw these downs at me, then pull me right back up again. He rejected all these moments the first time, to put me somewhere else the next and I didn't realize it.

I hit a dark time in my life not too long ago. One that had me running uphill. I picked up everything I had known and loved, all to make my mark on something new. Leaving behind my team, friends, job, family, home, and school, with a broken heart.

I couldn’t imagine what was going through God’s head. Why me? I had done so much good, I had decided to go to college, I was working so hard and doing everything I was supposed to. I began doubting every decision I made. Why did I choose to break up with the man I thought I loved, or to move an hour away from all I’d ever known?

My answer?.....my downhill run?

Logan.

No it’s not a boy. (nice try) But an establishment. That during the lowest part of my life, is where I was closest to what I was truly meant to do. My ex boyfriend lived a block away, my family seemed a million miles away, I lived with roommates I didn't necessarily like, but that was when Logan became my safe place. God gave me Logan to write a new chapter but in my own words this time.

The first 3 weeks of living in Logan was raw. Where I was truly…..Jerra. I’d never felt so close to God in my life. It’s like I spent every day with him through that rough transition. He was right there every moment from then on. I’d get these weird feelings in my heart that allowed me to make all these huge decisions easily, like he was telling me the game plan all along. He made this plan where I was going to be pushed down to my lowest, to be sent here. 

Not even a month into living in Logan, I found myself sobbing as I hung the shirts of domestic violence victims on a wall.

God never told me how I would heal from falling, however, he gave me experiences that made me stand up what once hurt me. It was like he was patting me on the back this entire time, reminding me that this was my piece I was adding to this world. Although Logan was a place that took me farthest from my comfort zone, it quickly became my piece of heaven. 

Logan offered me so many aspects that filled my empty spots.

When I felt heart broken, I’d work in the center to bring awareness for those who felt the same. When I was upset, I had the ARC to run at. I had a family at the center, people I could go to for just about anything. I began playing soccer again, and gained a who new friend group.  When I just needed to get away, I was only a 10 minute run from the mountains.

I wasn’t leaving everything behind after all. I was finding a family of my own, friends of my own, and I made my own team. Here I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, or make my story perfect for someone else, I assembled this world all on my own.

Far from all of the troubles in my world was a safe haven.

Welcome to Logan.

Maybe IDK

This weekend was a good one for me. One that was so great that I had to pack my things as fast as I could and head to Logan before it got hard too.

On Saturday I took my little brother to the Jon Bellion concert, and it was an experience I will never forget. I got chills seeing my brother's face light up when his idol entered the stage. He waved his arms in the air, and sang the words of every song, and it was pure bliss seeing him so happy.

It was also one of those moments in my life where I felt God just threw a lesson in my lap. As I stood in a crowd of hundreds of stinky teenagers, the song "Maybe IDK" came on. At first glance, this song seems like a stereotypical song that a punk would listen to, but I quickly realized how much it relates to my life.

The words blared so loudly in those speakers it was as if God was telling me himself.

"Although I guess if I knew tomorrow
I guess I wouldn’t need faith
I guess if I never fell, I guess I wouldn’t need grace
I guess if I knew his plans, I guess He wouldn’t be God"

I heard this verse, and wiped a tear from my cheek.

I think for a long time, I've been trying to imagine what God has planned for me. I take every decision in my life and try to throw it into a scenario. Like I am playing guess and check with him. My professor was right when she said we'd use "if then statements" for the rest of our career.

If I went to church more, then maybe more people would want to be my friend. If I do all the work on this project, then maybe our group will get an A.

What happened to the girl that jumped in with both feet? What happened to following your heart?

I'm obviously not supernatural. I can't predict my future, so why do I worry about how it will affect me? It got me thinking, trying to find the meaning God was trying to get across.

The concert was close to ending, and my brother grabbed my hand, signaling that now was the time to leave before we got stuck in traffic. We ran through the crowds of people, and out the doors towards our car. However, we were too late and got stuck in parking lot traffic.

We sat there in that dark car as traffic came to a halting stop. Ethan had taken control over the AUX cord and was flipping through more Jon Bellion songs he wanted me to hear (there is never too much Jon Bellion for the two of us).

 All of a sudden, mid-song, he paused the music on his phone, set it down, looked at me and said,

"I'm glad that you jump into crazy things like this with me, I wasn't sure if it would be fun, but I had a really good time."

Gosh darn it God.
Stop it with the signs.

I tried to hold back the tears from welling. My voice started to crack as I went to reply to him.

"That is what life is about Ethan. Taking risks, jumping in with both feet, even into things that scare you or your not sure of. You never know what you' love in life unless you jump."

He nodded, pulled the cord out of his phone, and we sat there in silence for about twenty minutes. I couldn't believe how profound this night was, I just sat there in shock while the world stood still. I could no longer here the yelling of road rage outside, or the people stomping through the gravel.

It was a moment that I could feel God.

This was my sign, my green light in the intersection and it couldn't have been more clear. It's my time to yell "Geronimo" and jump without fear of what could happen.


So maybe I don't know,

and maybe that's okay.