Inadequate

This blog I feel like is a place where I can embrace my struggles. I'm far from perfect, in fact, I am probably closer to imperfect that perfect.

I feel inadequate, every where I go.

I don't feel like I am good enough to have the job I do. To receive the score I do on a paper. Have the amazing parents I do. Even date the guy I think is cute.

Not feeling good enough, is as real as it gets.

I'm not a 4.0 college student, although I wish I was. My parents have been helping me get through school, and I feel like I owe it to them. They deserve to sponsor a child that gets better grades than I do.

While I'm at work, I screw up a lot. I put down the wrong dates on designs, I forget to do tasks every once in a while. I work with such amazing people, and I feel like they deserve better.

I hate talking to guys I'm not good enough for. It's like preparing yourself for what's destined to happen. That one day, they will realize who I really am, and that will be the end of it all.

I try not to fall for the good things in life, to get my hopes up. Because 9 times out of 10, I'll get let down.

One day these guys will realize that I am horrible at dressing up. That I hate doing my hair, wearing make-up, and Nike's are my favorite accessory. They'll realize that I cry.....a lot. I'm cranky in the morning, and  I'm not the best at studying. They will see that I spend more time with my family than my friends.

When I start talking with a guy I like, I just want to tell them "Are you sure you want this? I am far from ever being good enough for someone like you." I would feel as if I was cheating them for dating them.

I dated someone for three years, and I left feeling like I did something wrong. That there had to have been something I could've done better. Maybe I really wasn't good enough for him.

If I were to pick anything I fear the most in this world right now, it would be feeling completely inadequate.

For most of my blog posts, I have this call to action. I have a way that I will resolve my life's challenges. But this one has me stumped.

I'm not sure how I will get through this. But I want to document it all. I want to remember my struggles, so that I can look back on them as learning experiences.

One day, I will figure this out, and look back on this moment with a brighter ending.

Fans

Today has been a rough one.

Numerous times today, I have looked up into  to the sky in a flood of tears and asked,

"Why can't you just give me a chance."

Last night, I finally built up the courage to ask my crush out....and was (basically) rejected.
This morning I didn't pass my teaching test for the second time.
And just 10 days before my big race, I had pneumonia and a partially collapsed lung.

God.........Why?

All I have done is good in this world. I say my prayers every night, I talk to you every day. I reach out to everyone around me. I am not mean to anyone. You put me through enough

Why can't just one thing work out for me?

Why can't I feel worthy enough to date this guy?
Why can't I be smart enough to pass my test the first time?
Why can't I do good in this race?

Just once.

As I was walking around campus, in the pouring rain, I hit breaking point.

I am walking around USU with mascara streaming down my face, with posters falling out of my hands, crying to my mom over the phone.

There comes a point in your life, when your sick of everyone telling you that "It will work out". Because for so long.....it hasn't felt like it.

I feel like I'll die before I make it through this teaching program, and I worry that I'll die alone.

After talking for 20 minutes, my mom and I  began laughing together over the phone about my crappy day. Somehow daily trials can become something that you can just shake off, and laugh.

I think that God was ready show me what I do have.

Immediately after hang up with my mom, I run into Hannah (my roommate) at my work. As soon as she saw me, she ran up and gave me a huge hug, not even knowing what I had been through. She asks how my day was, hands me a bag of food and walks with me up to work.

I walk into work, and there's Justin singing along to his music, and I try my best not to laugh at him. My manager hands us both money to go down and get her a drink, and a "treat". Next thing I know, we're hardcore hysterically laughing in our office trying to fit Bugles on our fingers and Snapchat at the same time.

Having no idea of my hard day, Justin is walking out the door and he says "The right guy is going to come around and he will love you so much."

I have everything I ever need.

I have so much more to learn, so much room to grow, two more years of school, and much more maturity on its way.  But in the end, when I lay in bed at night, I don't want to fall asleep. I could do my days all over again.

Life is so dang hard, it's full of so many reasons to quit. So many reasons to call your mom crying. But when I step back, I realize that I have so many people rooting for me.

So here's to not settling with a guy just because I think he's cute. Here's to not giving up on college because it's hard. And here's to not quitting running because I have pneumonia and a broken lung.

Because each of fans lining the path to my finish line have high hopes for me to finish strong.

Come and Go

As we speak, I am currently helping two of my friends get through and incredibly hard break up.

This is hard for me, because I feel that in ways, I haven't gotten over my own. Break ups plain and simply, are tough. The aspect that hits you the hardest is watching someone walk away, knowing that you may never see them again...for a long time.

The person that you spent almost every living moment with is gone.

They may never speak to the voice that they fell in love with, or recognize the face they kissed countless times ever again.

When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I remember feeling as if he died, I felt that if I was mourning a loss.

When we visualize a break-up I think that often times we think of the whole "forget you" stage. That when you break up, you go burn everything in a fire, and push every memory of them out of your mind.

I spent three years with my boyfriend. So the "forget you" stage wasn't quite that easy, in fact, I haven't gotten past it yet. I don't think I ever will.

(I know....what am I thinking?)

In all honesty, I say omit the "forget you stage," gosh darn it, that was three years of your life.

How do you forget three years of your life?
You don't.

At three years old, a child should be able to say their name, catch and throw a ball, name colors, dress and undress themselves, and they are even able to use scissors.

Can you imagine, if you woke up one day, and couldn't do any of this?

You'd be lost.

Whether you were together for a week or 10 years, that person was meant to be in your life. God put them there for a reason. We commonly say that when two break up that they "weren't meant to be". This has never been so false.

They were meant to teach you something you couldn't learn on your own.

Our relationship wasn't a mistake, it was a miracle. I got to spend three years of my life loving an amazing human being. Our little infinity was perfect.

We weren't meant to work, but we were meant to be.

He hurt me, shattered my heart, and made me feel broken. But for the sake of every good memory before that, I will not forget him.

There was a time in my life, when I would run into things that reminded me of him, and I would break down into tears.

But why? When you look at childhood pictures, you don't cry.

Those objects were GOOD memories. This was such a happy time in my life. I now look at these same things and smile. I take a second to soak up the good memories, and move onward to even better.

I will never forget him. I think about him everyday even if it's just for a second. I even pray for him like I would my own friends. Knowing that he is happy, made the healing process easier.

Our lives were bettered by being together for the short time we were

People come and go, but they were always meant to be.


Here's some old pictures for fun.....good memories :)

Logan

Disappointment. It’s gone on my entire life. 

The downhill slope of things not working out....one after another.
It puts you in this hole where you feel trapped. You can’t get over feeling like a loser all the time. The feeling that in this life, you’ll never add up to anything. Days where I'd look at myself and wonder if I'd ever add up to be anything spectacular, and I'd deny it. It’s easy to see all the bad moments in your life when that’s all you are getting a taste of.

So one day, I wrote it all down.

Lined up my biggest highs and lowest lows like a cat lines up its mice after it kills them.

And somehow... they fit together.

It was like running a half marathon (I’d be the one to make this comparison). While you’re running , you realize that every uphill you run up, means that there is a downhill that same length on its way. Which makes the half marathon seem easier, because you know that after you push through an uphill, a downhill is coming. 

 I made the quick realization that this is how my life fit into this world.

God would throw these downs at me, then pull me right back up again. He rejected all these moments the first time, to put me somewhere else the next and I didn't realize it.

I hit a dark time in my life not too long ago. One that had me running uphill. I picked up everything I had known and loved, all to make my mark on something new. Leaving behind my team, friends, job, family, home, and school, with a broken heart.

I couldn’t imagine what was going through God’s head. Why me? I had done so much good, I had decided to go to college, I was working so hard and doing everything I was supposed to. I began doubting every decision I made. Why did I choose to break up with the man I thought I loved, or to move an hour away from all I’d ever known?

My answer?.....my downhill run?

Logan.

No it’s not a boy. (nice try) But an establishment. That during the lowest part of my life, is where I was closest to what I was truly meant to do. My ex boyfriend lived a block away, my family seemed a million miles away, I lived with roommates I didn't necessarily like, but that was when Logan became my safe place. God gave me Logan to write a new chapter but in my own words this time.

The first 3 weeks of living in Logan was raw. Where I was truly…..Jerra. I’d never felt so close to God in my life. It’s like I spent every day with him through that rough transition. He was right there every moment from then on. I’d get these weird feelings in my heart that allowed me to make all these huge decisions easily, like he was telling me the game plan all along. He made this plan where I was going to be pushed down to my lowest, to be sent here. 

Not even a month into living in Logan, I found myself sobbing as I hung the shirts of domestic violence victims on a wall.

God never told me how I would heal from falling, however, he gave me experiences that made me stand up what once hurt me. It was like he was patting me on the back this entire time, reminding me that this was my piece I was adding to this world. Although Logan was a place that took me farthest from my comfort zone, it quickly became my piece of heaven. 

Logan offered me so many aspects that filled my empty spots.

When I felt heart broken, I’d work in the center to bring awareness for those who felt the same. When I was upset, I had the ARC to run at. I had a family at the center, people I could go to for just about anything. I began playing soccer again, and gained a who new friend group.  When I just needed to get away, I was only a 10 minute run from the mountains.

I wasn’t leaving everything behind after all. I was finding a family of my own, friends of my own, and I made my own team. Here I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, or make my story perfect for someone else, I assembled this world all on my own.

Far from all of the troubles in my world was a safe haven.

Welcome to Logan.

Maybe IDK

This weekend was a good one for me. One that was so great that I had to pack my things as fast as I could and head to Logan before it got hard too.

On Saturday I took my little brother to the Jon Bellion concert, and it was an experience I will never forget. I got chills seeing my brother's face light up when his idol entered the stage. He waved his arms in the air, and sang the words of every song, and it was pure bliss seeing him so happy.

It was also one of those moments in my life where I felt God just threw a lesson in my lap. As I stood in a crowd of hundreds of stinky teenagers, the song "Maybe IDK" came on. At first glance, this song seems like a stereotypical song that a punk would listen to, but I quickly realized how much it relates to my life.

The words blared so loudly in those speakers it was as if God was telling me himself.

"Although I guess if I knew tomorrow
I guess I wouldn’t need faith
I guess if I never fell, I guess I wouldn’t need grace
I guess if I knew his plans, I guess He wouldn’t be God"

I heard this verse, and wiped a tear from my cheek.

I think for a long time, I've been trying to imagine what God has planned for me. I take every decision in my life and try to throw it into a scenario. Like I am playing guess and check with him. My professor was right when she said we'd use "if then statements" for the rest of our career.

If I went to church more, then maybe more people would want to be my friend. If I do all the work on this project, then maybe our group will get an A.

What happened to the girl that jumped in with both feet? What happened to following your heart?

I'm obviously not supernatural. I can't predict my future, so why do I worry about how it will affect me? It got me thinking, trying to find the meaning God was trying to get across.

The concert was close to ending, and my brother grabbed my hand, signaling that now was the time to leave before we got stuck in traffic. We ran through the crowds of people, and out the doors towards our car. However, we were too late and got stuck in parking lot traffic.

We sat there in that dark car as traffic came to a halting stop. Ethan had taken control over the AUX cord and was flipping through more Jon Bellion songs he wanted me to hear (there is never too much Jon Bellion for the two of us).

 All of a sudden, mid-song, he paused the music on his phone, set it down, looked at me and said,

"I'm glad that you jump into crazy things like this with me, I wasn't sure if it would be fun, but I had a really good time."

Gosh darn it God.
Stop it with the signs.

I tried to hold back the tears from welling. My voice started to crack as I went to reply to him.

"That is what life is about Ethan. Taking risks, jumping in with both feet, even into things that scare you or your not sure of. You never know what you' love in life unless you jump."

He nodded, pulled the cord out of his phone, and we sat there in silence for about twenty minutes. I couldn't believe how profound this night was, I just sat there in shock while the world stood still. I could no longer here the yelling of road rage outside, or the people stomping through the gravel.

It was a moment that I could feel God.

This was my sign, my green light in the intersection and it couldn't have been more clear. It's my time to yell "Geronimo" and jump without fear of what could happen.


So maybe I don't know,

and maybe that's okay.

Scars

I have scars all over my heart, scars that leave me scared.

This week has been an eye-opener for me, as I am getting back into the groove of college life. Which means...dating.

Dating right now is the valley on the other side of the mountain I have climbed. I stand at the peak, and I am unsure if I want to continue down again. Because going down again, means I might have to climb back up. I keep asking myself if it's worth the heartache.

What if he doesn't like me back?
What if he lies to me?
What if he hurts me?
 What if he's just using me?
and What if I fall so hard, that it hurts me again?

My heart has fixed itself after being broken and it got fixed back into a perfect rhythm. It's overcome heartbreak with scars to prove it. But these very scars are what scare me, for fear that they will reopen. I can still feel that same burning sensation of a scar reopening, and its frightening.

I finished climbing this mountain, and suddenly I'm faced with yet another challenge:

Dating with a scarred heart.

It's easily compared to learning to walk for a second time. Because the first time its done, when your 10 months old, your fearless. Now that you are learning again you realize what's there to make you fall once more.

I'm not that 15 year old anymore, where I lived in this state of invincibility. Where there was no way he'd ever leave me broken. Now I'm 19, where he left me broken. Now I'm trying not to open my heart when new guys try to work their way back in.

I can't always protect my heart or guard it because I'm worried it will happen again.

If I tried to block every guy that came barreling toward my heart, I wouldn't find happiness.

Instead, I have to wear these scars with ambition that I will one day find someone who will fix them all.

I can't change who will break my heart. But I have a choice in how my heart heals. With every broken heart, I can carry on knowing that it will one day be whole.

So here's to scarred hearts. One day we'll make it through this "dating world". One day we will look back and every scar will be worth it.

To My Big Sister

Katie,

From day 1, it's always been you. From school, to soccer, to our futures, to adulting, you've been the one to look up too. There hasn't been a day in my life that you haven't been there to show me the ropes. You teach me a little bit everyday.

From my perspective, we were meant to be in each others lives from the very beginning. In fact, God couldn't wait any longer to send me down, as I was the "unexpected" one. But it was destiny, I know in my heart we are this close for a reason. I laid in bed last night, and I thought about what was probably going through his head when he paired us up there in heaven. It was then that I pieced together a pretty good explanation.

You were sent here first, because he knew you'd be the one to figure this world out with ease. Then he sent me later on, because he knew you'd help me get to where I needed to be.

You'd be the one who'd stick up for me regardless. You'd be the one to let me eat lunch with you and your friends on my first day of Jr high because I didn't have any. You'd be the one that would teach me to wake board. You'd be the one to help me move into my first apartment on my own.

God knew that I'd be able to navigate this crazy world if I had you.

Now, let's get to the point of this.

I was completely honest with you when I say I look up to you. I admire so many characteristics about you. You have such a drive for life, a drive to get to where you need to be. When they say to "reach for the stars," you're beyond that, you're standing on this ladder you built yourself grabbing each star one by one. You're headstrong, stubborn, and you don't give up on anything you want bad enough. Let's face it, you set the bar high in this family.

Not too long ago we were sitting in the shed building a dog house, one you 'insisted' on building. I honestly thought you were nuts, I would have never thought of building anything like that myself. But you took on the challenge as if it was nothing. We sat there and you drew on the plywood where you wanted to cut, and you picked up this saw (this saw was freakin HUGE, the blade was super SHARP), and I asked you if you were scared, and you shook your head, laughed, and began cutting.

Your fearless, not afraid of much, and this is going to take you far.

I wish that God gave things to people that deserved it all the time, but as for you, this isn't the case. If God's decisions were based solely on what people deserved, you'd have the world in your hands. I wish you could see your worth from my eyes. I wish I could explain to you every detail that makes you perfect in this imperfect world.

I wish I could give you a one way ticket to nursing school.

Although I can't promise you any of this, what I can promise is that you will get there one day, and I am going to be here for you every step.

I may no longer follow in your footsteps, but I can't wait to walk side by side with you, and see where life takes you.

Love, Jer