Scars

I have scars all over my heart, scars that leave me scared.

This week has been an eye-opener for me, as I am getting back into the groove of college life. Which means...dating.

Dating right now is the valley on the other side of the mountain I have climbed. I stand at the peak, and I am unsure if I want to continue down again. Because going down again, means I might have to climb back up. I keep asking myself if it's worth the heartache.

What if he doesn't like me back?
What if he lies to me?
What if he hurts me?
 What if he's just using me?
and What if I fall so hard, that it hurts me again?

My heart has fixed itself after being broken and it got fixed back into a perfect rhythm. It's overcome heartbreak with scars to prove it. But these very scars are what scare me, for fear that they will reopen. I can still feel that same burning sensation of a scar reopening, and its frightening.

I finished climbing this mountain, and suddenly I'm faced with yet another challenge:

Dating with a scarred heart.

It's easily compared to learning to walk for a second time. Because the first time its done, when your 10 months old, your fearless. Now that you are learning again you realize what's there to make you fall once more.

I'm not that 15 year old anymore, where I lived in this state of invincibility. Where there was no way he'd ever leave me broken. Now I'm 19, where he left me broken. Now I'm trying not to open my heart when new guys try to work their way back in.

I can't always protect my heart or guard it because I'm worried it will happen again.

If I tried to block every guy that came barreling toward my heart, I wouldn't find happiness.

Instead, I have to wear these scars with ambition that I will one day find someone who will fix them all.

I can't change who will break my heart. But I have a choice in how my heart heals. With every broken heart, I can carry on knowing that it will one day be whole.

So here's to scarred hearts. One day we'll make it through this "dating world". One day we will look back and every scar will be worth it.

To My Big Sister

Katie,

From day 1, it's always been you. From school, to soccer, to our futures, to adulting, you've been the one to look up too. There hasn't been a day in my life that you haven't been there to show me the ropes. You teach me a little bit everyday.

From my perspective, we were meant to be in each others lives from the very beginning. In fact, God couldn't wait any longer to send me down, as I was the "unexpected" one. But it was destiny, I know in my heart we are this close for a reason. I laid in bed last night, and I thought about what was probably going through his head when he paired us up there in heaven. It was then that I pieced together a pretty good explanation.

You were sent here first, because he knew you'd be the one to figure this world out with ease. Then he sent me later on, because he knew you'd help me get to where I needed to be.

You'd be the one who'd stick up for me regardless. You'd be the one to let me eat lunch with you and your friends on my first day of Jr high because I didn't have any. You'd be the one that would teach me to wake board. You'd be the one to help me move into my first apartment on my own.

God knew that I'd be able to navigate this crazy world if I had you.

Now, let's get to the point of this.

I was completely honest with you when I say I look up to you. I admire so many characteristics about you. You have such a drive for life, a drive to get to where you need to be. When they say to "reach for the stars," you're beyond that, you're standing on this ladder you built yourself grabbing each star one by one. You're headstrong, stubborn, and you don't give up on anything you want bad enough. Let's face it, you set the bar high in this family.

Not too long ago we were sitting in the shed building a dog house, one you 'insisted' on building. I honestly thought you were nuts, I would have never thought of building anything like that myself. But you took on the challenge as if it was nothing. We sat there and you drew on the plywood where you wanted to cut, and you picked up this saw (this saw was freakin HUGE, the blade was super SHARP), and I asked you if you were scared, and you shook your head, laughed, and began cutting.

Your fearless, not afraid of much, and this is going to take you far.

I wish that God gave things to people that deserved it all the time, but as for you, this isn't the case. If God's decisions were based solely on what people deserved, you'd have the world in your hands. I wish you could see your worth from my eyes. I wish I could explain to you every detail that makes you perfect in this imperfect world.

I wish I could give you a one way ticket to nursing school.

Although I can't promise you any of this, what I can promise is that you will get there one day, and I am going to be here for you every step.

I may no longer follow in your footsteps, but I can't wait to walk side by side with you, and see where life takes you.

Love, Jer

Castaway

To be opened: August 12th 2016

Jerra,

Have you ever heard of a sinking ship?
Whether it is a teeny tiny hole in the bottom of a boat, or one that capsizes like the mushy gushy chick flick, Titantic.

Sinking.

Right now you feel far from it.

You've got your boat packed up, theoretically and literally, you're ready to shove your ship out into the ocean on your own, and there is nothing wrong with this.

Right now, you tell everyone that you don't think much will change when you turn 18.  Why would you want it to change when it feels like you have everything..? An amazing family, team, good friends, a cute boyfriend, an great job, every teenage girl's dream.

But promise me when it does...decide to change for the better....you won't be scared.

Your next chapter is only beginning.

Jerra, you don't know it yet, but your boat is going to hit rock bottom just a mile from shore. It's a hole that is going to feel too big to fix on your own. At first you're not going to like this new chapter, but you just have to trust me. I know it's unexpected, but you will to make it through this, I PROMISE.

Day by day, you're going to dump out bucket by bucket, the water that fills your ship, and I can't promise you that each bucket is going to be easy. But that isn't your time to throw up a white flag.

You are going to lose your compass, completely drop it in the ocean. Now you're lost, there's nothing here to point you in the right direction, that's when you just have to follow your heart. Even when it hurts.

While you sit there, stranded in the middle of the ocean, and you're going to look up into the sky, your world will feel as if it's stopped turning. But this earth will continue to turn just as slow as it did the day before. Keep going.

Your are so strong, I know you don't get told that everyday. These moments are going to show you just how much you can take. Your going to be stranded for a little while. But everyday, your going to pick yourself and learn something new. Not everyone makes it when they are stranded in the ocean alone, but you are going to THRIVE.

You're going to fix the bottom of that ship of yours, you are going to learn to fish, and tell direction from the stars above you. You're going to get out there in the ocean again, and find your own way around.

You'll travel from island to island and enjoy every minute. You are going to meet people from each one, and each one will teach you something different. You'll grow closer to the people that matter, and gain new ones along the way.

This is YOUR journey now, your the captain.

Love,
the person you are yet to be

Rocks and Doors

I believe in this world, we have a choice of what scares us. Choices that stack against us like a pile of rocks. Each rock resembling something in this world that we fear. A pile of rocks that sits pressed up against a door. A door that, eventually, becomes inevitable to open.

As an 18 year old girl, there are many things in this world that I am scared of being hurt by. 

I've been heartbroken beyond what I thought repairable. I've been alone, and far from home. I've been so confused at where I am, that my life itself gets confusing. I've been so distant from who I was that I didn't recognize who myself.

And I've seen these numerous rocks become dropped in front of the very door that was easy for me open daily.

Each rock piles on the other, and they overwhelmingly build up and up one by one.

.....and every once in a while, I have to crack the door open, and one will find its way through the tiny opening.

And it's scary.

It falls on your foot, cracks the floor, catches you off guard, goes bounding across the ground, and it frightens you so bad. That single rock is what makes you scared to open the door each time.

But if we never opened the door, we'd never realize what was on the other side. The fact of the matter is, to live our lives, we have to open our door all the time.

That if we were scared of every single rock on the other side of the door, it would be a door never opened.

Although we don't have a choice as to what rocks are going to fall through the door, or how many will fall, we have a choice of which ones we let hurt us. We have the opportunity to either open the door and cringe, or open it and embrace what's to come.

Whether there's one rock on the other side of the door, or many, the fear of opening the door because of what's on the other side is what keeps us from living our lives.

There are billions and billions of rocks in all shapes and sizes in this world to scare you, and if we let every single rock give us a reason not to open our door, what kind of life would that be?

My Own Kind of Fairytale

Before you read this, I am going to be completely honest with you. I have been on edge to write this for 7 months and counting. I have had way too much time of being so unsure of when or how I was going to sit down and get it all down. I have been increasingly nervous about what people would think, but I have come to the point in my life where I just don't care.

This is my story, and I get the choice of how it's written.

Most people look at love like some kind of fairy tale. A fairy tale where you fall in love with the "love of your life" and instantly everything just works out. You ride off into the sunset on this gigantic horse and buggy, live in a castle, and start a family. No trial, no error, no heartbreak, no finances, no fights, not a care in the world.

Although this seems like such an ideal way to live, I don't know if it's my way.

If you would've explained to me at 4 years old in my princess dress, crown, and slippers that I was going to fall in love with a man I would never marry, I would've looked at you like a lost puppy. But I wish I could tell that little girl that there was so much more than finding a prince charming, but loving yourself.

I did find someone I loved, and now I don't even know him. 

I wanted to marry him, run off into the sunset where our worlds were supposed to be perfect.

But now I hope I never find someone I love more than I loved him. 

Before you think I am crazy, let me tell you why.

He was the love of my life. I commonly said that he was my whole world. I was right, my whole world revolved around him. When he was upset, so was I. I spent every waking hour of my day trying to make him happy. 

He was the love of my life, the ying to my yang, my whole world. And I have never been so wrong in my whole life.

My whole world was the 5 people at home that put me right under their wings when everything hurt. My whole world were my co-workers that pulled me in for a hug when they had no idea I needed one. My whole world were the teachers I had at school who would break their back to get me where I needed to be. My extended family that was always there to make me feel like a million bucks.

The loves of my life were my parents, teachers, friends, co-workers. All of these people that loved me more than I could ever love them.

I was spending so much time trying to make him happy, that I wasn't happy myself. My whole world revolved around him, when it should have revolved around not only myself, but the people I loved.

I don't regret the three years we spent obsessing over each other. The hours we spent together just doing nothing. All the times he made me feel so loved and taken care of, when he would engulf me in huge hugs while I cried my eyes out. He gave me a best friend. I am grateful for our little slice of life we got together.

I'm not mad at him. I hope that he finds happiness throughout the rest of his life. I want what's best for him, and to this day, I will be here for him.

But he taught me who meant most to me in this world. After I lost him, I learned to love myself.

Every detail about myself. From the way I woke up dedicated to run every day, to my passion for school, and how I could somehow look at an extremely negative situation and still find a reason to smile. I have so much to offer this world. When the lamp tilted to shine on me, I found so much about myself I hadn't seen before.

As for my happy ending, I hope I find someone who continues to teach me the little things I have to love about myself. I hope that he realizes that I am not the only love of his life. That in this huge world, full of things to love, he loves so much more than just me. That we disagree, we go through hard times and we learn from them.

and this, would be my happily ever after.

"OK"

As I lay here...it's nearing around midnight and I can't sleep.

I have a million thoughts surging through my head that I don't necessarily want to forget.

Something I found a little strange is that at the end of 2016, I had many ask me personally,

"How was your year?"

There's just one word that comes straight to mind with every response

"ok"

Anyone that would hear that would automatically assume that something was wrong with my year.

"What do you mean?"

"It wasn't great?"

"But didn't college make it one of the best years of your life?"

My answer to these. It's simple. That just because my year wasn't superb, doesn't make it unmeaningful.

And I'm "ok" with that.

Although it was my hardest, this year taught me so many more lessons than any other year in my life.

One being that I don't have to hide my hurt. I don't have to pretend that my life was perfect when I was hurting.

When your a little baby, one of the lessons you learn at about 6 months is object permenance. (Yes I actually paid attention in psychology) Object permenance is that understanding in your little brain that when objects disappear, they don't actually go away.

One way that doctors can see this development is by putting an object under a blanket where its not visible and observing the baby to see if they look for it or make the realization that its not actually gone.

In 2016, I had to make this realization too.

That when I decide to cover up my hard times they won't disappear. Part of being human is hurting and going through trials that are so hard. But letting them shape us.

Hiding all this hurt behind my back wasn't going to get me anywhere.

Anyone can fake a smile, keep their chin up, and hold their head high, when deep down their dying.

When no one's watching, do you walk with such confidence?

There are so many people out there that can understand what were going through better than we can ourselves. Bottling it all up to make an image would just be cheating out ourselves.

So going back to object permenance. I made the realization that I can't just make things disappear by throwing them under a blanket and walking away.

I had to let these struggles shape me.

They say that to be strong, you have to "look fear straight in the eye", and I believe it. There were times this year where I wasn't really sure what to do, so I threw things under a blanket.

Then I realized that I didn't want them to hurt me anymore.

So I tackled them head on.

If life's challenges don't scare you, chances are your not doing it right.

We have two options in this life. We can choose to hide objects, or pull them out and face them.

Because I chose to face these harsh realities, its been a year of finding Jerra.

The Jerra now is THRIVING, I'm thriving not because I faked my way to the end. But because I didn't run away from what scared me.

So 2016, you were indeed "ok", and I'm proud to say that.

BELIEVE

Mom and Dad,

When I was eight years old, I approached you with the conclusion that I would someday marry Peyton Manning.

Why?
"He's cute mommy!"

Not only did we have a 22 year age gap, but Peyton Manning had a wife, and he was a professional football player. Let's face it....my chances were slim. This was an unrealistic fantasy that occurred in my little eight year old brain.

Most parents would simply explain to their eight-year-old that this could not happen.

You went out and bought me his official jersey, numerous Colts t-shirts, a plaque, a Colts blanket, many different Nerf footballs, and withstood watching the Indianapolis Colts play every Sunday.

Flash forward ten more years, and at 18 years old, I fantasized running my first half marathon.

So you signed me up, and drove alongside me and cheered me on during the last three miles.
You were the first person there when they placed the medal around my neck.

The fact of the matter is, there was never a time in my life that you doubted me. There was nothing I couldn't do, throughout my whole life, my dreams were only a step away.

My whole existence there was the voice of society telling me I couldn't do it. But two voices that were encouraging me to go after finding my own dreams.

I didn't know that driving a tractor was normally a man's job. That learning to tile, paint, pound in hardwood flooring, and haul hay were chores that usually males did. You both taught me that there wasn't a difference. We were just as capable to be strong, smart, and hard working at anything we set our minds too.

I will never forget the numerous times you drove the boat, back and forth, and back and forth, because I couldn't get up on the wake board.  I quickly became frustrated, because both boys could get up within a few tries and I couldn't. I remember saying "It's just easier for boys to get up, because they have more upper body strength."

As parents you continued encouraging me that whole summer that I could do it. You encouraged me strap on the board again and again. You both were so patient, and continued giving feedback on how I could do better. There was never a doubt that I couldn't do it.

It was at Lake Powell, our first day out. We drove into this narrow canyon, and dad said.

"Let's wake board, who wants to go first?"

He quickly looked at me and said

"Jerra, you want to go?"

At that moment in time, I was doubting myself so much. I knew I wouldn't get up. I jumped off the boat, into the freezing water. The rope lost slack, and dad yelled "Tell me when your ready."

I got up on my first shot.

I look back on all these times, and wonder how.
How could I have pulled off these feats when I didn't even believe in myself?
It was because you both believed.

When my odds were stacked against me, and my world came to a halting stop. I told you both I wasn't going to make it through this. It wasn't within a few seconds later that you told me.

"Your going to make it through this just fine."

Thank you for believing in me, when I couldn't find reasons myself too.